“Your heart & my heart are very, very old friends”
As far as life experiences go, I think I’ve had my fill with the highs and lows of unrequited love. I also think Cupid is drunk in a corner somewhere; yes. Quite often, the arrow hits only one person and misses the other.
Most days I strongly believe I’m just made for bad timing, heart-wrenching rollercoasters and a series of devastating ‘could-have-been’ somethings. But on other days, I am grateful to be surrounded by the best of friends and family. So, where did everything spiral for me?
It all started when I fell in love with my bestfriend. I confessed it after two years of feeling it.
“I’m so sorry. I love you; but not in the way you need me to.”
“I never meant to break your heart. Tell me what I can do to fix it.”
The thing about falling in love with your bestfriend, for me, is that love has it’s own place; but it never replaces the friendship. The friendship stays as it is: warm, beautiful, safe. So I thought: it’s okay, I’ll get over my feelings. How hard can it be? I still have her in the best way possible; my constant support through everything.
A month in, after the confession, we spent so much time together; as we always did. It felt great; as if nothing had phased me.
The lockdown came back and that’s where the literal distance began; and that is also when the real test of my feelings began. Some days were great, full of love and life. Some days were unbearable. I felt anger, resentment, sadness, loneliness, insecurity. Literally a rollercoaster. Therapy helps, but only if you choose to help yourself too. And that was where I lacked. My therapist is a star, for listening to me rant and rant and keep going back to the same cycle!
I have never had to question where I stand with someone. But I began to. This was also the result of something I had come to find out a few months ago. A secret that was being kept from me; for a long time. We promised each other an honest friendship always; and my mistake was to take it quite literally. So when I dove headfirst into a confrontation, I hurt myself further. A broken heart heals; but how do you heal from someone that broke your trust?
- If I’m a great bestfriend, won’t I be a great lover too?
- Is our friendship not even worth truth?
- Am I that easy to fool?
- How stupid was I to believe all of it?
- Will I ever find love?
Ah, so many questions scarred my mind; branded my heart. I’m the kind of person that revels in pain and puts forth every emotion as anger; sleepless nights, headaches from overthinking and anxiety for the smallest of tasks. It took me some time to realize one thing.
IT IS WHAT IT IS.
Yes, there was a secret. Yes, it broke me bad. But, can I really do anything about it? Yes, there may be more secrets. But, can I change someone if they don’t want to? Is it affecting my friendship, or did it just puncture my massive ego? Oh, I didn’t see it that way. It doesn’t change how we feel for each other as bestfriends. It never did.
Despite knowing things that I didn’t, I am still fond of and crazy about this weird human thing. Nothing changed my feelings; it only bruised my ego about honesty. It took me a while to realize that in every partnership, relationship & friendship, there can never be true honesty. It is an unfair expectation; quite like saying “You lied to me about the 35 fries you ate; I saw you eating exactly 40 of them”.
But my love didn’t change; it evolved into something. This is a person I want to spend my life with. Whether as a partner or a friend, it doesn’t matter. We trust each other blindly. We feel safe with each other. And we enjoy going out for sushi every week! What more can a friendship need? Yes, there are secrets, but they show face eventually. How we deal with them, is truly what matters. In my 28 years of life, I have evolved into 6 different personalities; so what made me think that the person I love has to be the same person in every situation?
My therapist told me a story about an old man who said in his 40 years of marriage, his wife had almost 15 personalities. That life & love are about evolving and growing with the person that your significant other evolves into. She isn’t profound (but then again, my idea of profound sits at The Lizard King), but she gets me to think; very logically. About falling in love, letting go, understanding a partnership, feelings, emotions and everything that comes with it.
It has been a few months now, and we share a beautiful friendship; the best kind I’ve been fortunate to experience. One where we laugh, cook, drink, watch movies, drive around, travel & grocery-shop; literally do everything together. We tell each other what’s on our minds and deal with what comes our way. We’re bestfriends; and nothing will change that. Yes, I hope for a silver lining at the end; but that’s just what it is. Hope.
She broke me. But she also picked up the pieces and glues them together everyday; by just being there for me, in every way she can. So I will only promise our friendship one thing.
“Your heart & my heart are very, very old friends.” And always will be.